Dog Mentality: A newsletter from a Birds fan abroad (or at least outside of Philadelphia)

Week 16: “Eagles vs Cowboys”

Happy Holidays beautiful people and dear readers. I hope wherever you are this weekend, you’re with people you love and getting up to things that make you happy. Like watching football.

This week, I’m attempting to capture my thoughts about this very important game in real-time.

As a reminder, a win today means we clench the Number 1 seed and a first-round playoff bye. A loss means the NFC East is technically up for grabs. A loss also means the Cowboys get to win, which is always unideal. Without further ado, let’s get into it.

First Quarter

Wow, Minshew’s really connecting with AJ Brown, maybe we won’t miss Hurts too much. Oof, Minshew can’t run. We immediately miss Hurts and leave the Dallas red zone with a field goal less than 4 minutes into the game.

Elliot remains a strong runner.

PICK SIX.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. Josh Sweat picks off Dak and runs the ball back for a pick-6.

Cowboy’s second drive, Elliot’s lining up with the WRs as a kind of bull-legged insurance policy. Dak shows everybody why he earns the big bucks and stays on his feet during what should’ve been an enormous sack.

Second Quarter

Things are not looking so good at 11:34 into the second quarter. The Cowboys have strung together two very successful and very unanswered drives against the Eagles. The score is now 10-14 bad guys. I very much dislike Dallas.

My aunt says Minshew has a “porn -stache” which is hilarious. Minshew misses a wide-open Watkins and boom, everybody’s begging Hurts never gets Hurt again.

Gainwell secures 1st and Goal. He doesn’t make it into the endzone. On the second run, he’s caught mid-air like a rag doll by a defensive lineman. We decide to go for it on 4th down and for a brief moment, I feel like all of my insides want to be on my outsides. Minshew gets shoved in on a QB sneak and everything’s okay momentarily.

My aunt, grandma, sister, and French bulldog have spent the majority of the quarter watching my dad's face for signs of a stroke. Hopefully, he lives to see the end of the game.

In better news, the Minshew sneak was our 55th touchdown this season (which is a new record in franchise history). Josh Sweat dives into a tackle with the spatial awareness of an egregiously drunk driver and puts Jordan Davis into what looks like concussion protocol, hopefully, everybody’s okay.

Avante Maddox is bounced with a toe injury as well. Frankly, that sucks. Josh Sweat jumps the gun and finds himself offside so the Boys get a free play. CeeDee Lamb remains, uh, pretty good. Apparently, there’s no answer for him, at least not in the 2nd half.

Down in the red zone things aren’t looking any less bleak even though we’re winning. Isn’t being an Eagles fan insane? We can’t even be happy when we’re up. That’s why I suspect nobody bandwagons the Birds. Nobody wants to sign up for a viewing experience that comes with the same symptoms of a terminal illness.

Eagles hold the Cowboys to a field goal to tie the game. We got the ball back with less than two minutes to go in the first half. We get some DPI to move the Eagles down the field. We’re 2nd and 4 looking down the barrel of the 50.

The Eagles almost threw a pick. And Iggles fans everywhere once again, miss Hurts. Goedert gets a big reception for 35 yards. I openly proclaim my love for him in front of the rest of my family.

A couple more plays and then BOOM, the entire world is listening to people dissect the meaning of an illegal motion during a spiked ball. Officials are such boners.

Due to the pressures of a light clock, Minshew needs to throw the ball out of bounds. Luckily, he’s decent at his job.

3rd Quarter

I housed a cheesesteak during the half, it was excellent (shouts out Philly’s best).

For a brief moment, it appeared the Dallas Cowboys pulled off a 50-yard kick-off return and the living room audience was in shambles. But no! Two Boys were fined heavily for holding and the Cowboys wound up going three and out.

Eagles get the ball back with a lead of three. MAN OH MAN do I love Dallas Goedert. Minshew continues to play like a backup. But then he connects with Gainwell for a BIG first down before getting eaten alive by the Cowboys' d-line and he’s cool with the fans again.

The Birds continue their march down the field. Sirianni dials up some nonsense on a 4th and 3rd and I’m muttering “just get the points" under my breath. But the trick play works! I’m ashamed to say I didn’t believe that would. A fake handoff gives Smith the opportunity to find a wide opening in the endzone and the Birds score after eating some time off the clock.

Elliot turns a sneaky pitch on 4th and 1 into a 22-yard gain. It’s like he only decides to play when we’re in town.

Davis and Maddox are both not returning. I imagine Mary and Joseph felt about the same when they heard all the inns in Bethlehem were full. But all that’s turned around with a 3rd down stop that holds Dallas to a field goal.

FUMBLE, A FUMBLE, A FUCKING FUMBLE. On a hand-off of all things. Thankfully, Gardner turns around and prevents a tuddy with a well-timed tackle.

3rd and goal: the Eagles defense is holding up with 2+ minutes to go in the 3rd quarter. It’s very upsetting that Gallup is so damn good at catching a football. For a brief moment, I contemplate getting into witchcraft to put a hex on that guy. But then I remember that witchcraft’s for girls going through breakups and weirdos and I move on. The game is now tied. My current heart rate would definitely force Mike McCarthy into an emergency phone call with his cardiologist.

Now with 2:12 in the 3rd. The momentum is squarely not in our favor.

Smith makes an insane grab out of the air before the end of the 3rd for a first down

The 4th Quarter

A weird screen results in a 2nd and 10 to open the quarter.

Now we’re at 3rd and long. Smith and Minshew save our bacon again. 3rd and 6 from field goal range. Beautiful shot to AJ Brown for a first down.

Joy is immediately tainted by an injury timeout for Brown who’s currently nursing his knees on the ground.

After a commercial break, he appears to be okay on the sideline. We’re looking to convert a 3rd and 6 for a 1st and goal. Smith Scores! That beautiful bastard has converted on practically every 3rd down in the 4th quarter.

Hassan Reddick and Josh Sweat put the Cowboys into a 3rd and 30. But Dak pitches the ball for 53 yards. It’s devastating. I don’t really want to write anymore, I’m genuinely furious. The show goes on.

I think I may be experiencing cardiac arrest. 34-34 with less than 6 minutes to go in the half. Smith makes a big sideline catch so well, my grandma asks if he takes ballet.

Johnson is down. Another injury timeout. Minshew throws a pretty wide pass to Watkins and the Cowboys take it away. Everything is terrible now. The football gods have forsaken us during America’s Game of the Week. The Birds’ defense made the Cowboys put up a field goal. Phew (kind of).

Now the Iggles need to win the game with 2:19 left. And then, I feel like I want to die.

HEARTBREAK. Crushing, crushing, crushing heartbreak. Sanders fumbles. Good lord.

I couldn’t type throughout the last drive against The Cowboys.

Them’s the breaks. No Christmas miracle for the Eagles in Jerryland.

Birds Lose to Dem’ Boys: 34-40 (13-2)

T.B.T. (The Big Take)

There’s not much to say here. We lost a tight game due to costly turnovers. Like turnovers with ‘08 financial crash price tags. I hope Miles Sanders can put this one behind him. I also don’t blame Minshew, mistakes were made, but Minshew threw a most solid game.

Defense and other things

Again, our defense did pretty okay. Really Dak’s ability to keep plays alive won the game. Apologies for the lack of analysis, but I hate losing to Dallas so very much. So that’s that, we lost.

Finally, happy holidays everybody. If you’re going to imbibe in libations in an attempt to drown out the sorrows of this loss, do so responsibly. Here’s hoping Santa dumps a commercial truckload of coal down Jerry Jones’ chimney.

NFC East Shuffle

• New York Giants (8-6-1)

  • Giants blow it against Cousins and company.

• Washington Commanders (7-7-1)

  • I think the 49ers mercied the Commanders.

  • Sell the team Dan, you’re basically Scrooge if the life-changing ghosts missed his house.

• Dallas Cowboys (11-4)

  • Much respect and loathing.

Dog(s) of the Week

• Devonta Smith

• Giving the devil his due, Micah Parsons

• Dak Prescott

Wins and Losses

• Loss: In Week 1’s edition a took a cheap shot for a joke about Tua being overrated. Big mistake. Did the Ravens secondary collapse in on itself like a blackhole? Yes. But did Tua capitalize for a legendary 4th quarter comeback. Also yes.

• Loss: In Week 2’s edition, I suggested the Bills would brutalize every opposing team so badly that the Bills “should give out adult diapers” to their opponents. Welp, I was wrong. They lost to Tua’s Dolphins and barely squeaked by the Ravens

• Loss: In Week 5, I spent a lot of time praising Sirianni’s restraint in the face of “aggressive analytics.” Then in Week 6 he left points on the board by going for a pointless 2 point conversion. We won, so it’s not the end of the world. But come on guys, just get the points.

• Loss: I didn’t put it on paper, but in my heart of hearts I knew we were going to kill The Commanders. Obviously, I was wrong and we lost to those nerds.

Coming Up

See everybody next week for Eagles v Saints. We better win.