Dog Mentality: A newsletter from a Birds fan abroad (or at least outside of Philadelphia)

Week 15: “Eagles vs Bears”

This past weekend your dear correspondent was shot through the heart by Cupid’s arrow and fell truly, madly, and deeply (yes, it’s a “Savage Garden” reference) in love.

Cupid struck me so hard that my feet rocketed out of my shoes and left me happy to just be standing around in my socks. So who was this magnificent woman? To borrow from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, she is the “city I live in, the city of angels.”

I moved to Los Angeles, California proper in October 2022 after spending most of my natural life semi-professional beach bumming my way around LA’s second son, Long Beach, CA.

To anybody not from the area, the difference between the two cities may seem infinitesimal. They both have palm trees, you might think. What’s really the difference?

Well, Long Beach is just removed enough from LA’s urban sprawl to maintain an organic outcrop of small-town life. Everybody knows everybody and generally, everybody takes great pride in their enormous small-town, little big city.

Its port means its beach is leveraged for work as opposed to play. Its home values are nothing to scoff at, but there’s still a legitimate blue-collar by-the-sea energy in Long Beach, that was murdered in Santa Monica, Venice, Malibu, Santa Cruze, Carmel, and all the other famous Left Coast beach towns by oil and Silicon Valley ex-pats and foreign investors decades ago.

Long Beach even used to be called “Iowa by the Sea.” Before moving to LA, I used to scoff at the proposition of relocating. With its grime, traffic, and neighborhoods West of the 405 that are so clean and commodified they’re practically Disney, I knew nobody ever dared accuse Los Angeles of curating Mid-Western charm on the precipice of the Pacific Ocean.

But then I moved here and after a few months, the city got me.

Like the majority of the sports-viewing planet, I was up early on Sunday morning to catch Argentina play France in the World Cup. An attempt was made to attend a special viewing party at an Argentine bakery in Culver City, but Argentinian ex-pats flooded the space hours before opening and my party shuffled with the overflow to a sports bar across the street.

After watching probably the greatest world cup final I’ll ever see in my lifetime, I was off to find a better sports bar to watch the Birds play the Bears.

A buddy of mine knew of a sporting establishment across the street from his apartment so we headed in that direction. As we crossed the street into the bar, I could hear echoes of patrons chanting “Fuck Dallas” pouring out of the cavernous entrance.

After crossing the threshold into the building, my eyes needed time to adjust to the new lighting. After temporary blindness passed, I beheld a sea of…Kelly Green! Men and women alike dotted the bar in Kelce, Cunningham, Hurts, Jackson, and Brown jerseys. The only screens in the room displayed the Birds' game. At the tabletop next to us, a young man in a Birds cap cracked off observational humor about the differences between LA and Pottsville, PA (there are many). And then it hit me, by sheer accident, geography, and dumb luck, I’d stumbled into an honest-to-God Eagles Bar! In Culver freaking City no less.

We chanted “Fly Eagles Fly!” after every touchdown, it was glorious.

The day spilled out from there. After the game, we watched the afternoon set in an Irish Bar that doubled as a rallying point for Chicago fans and befriended a guy our age from Sierra Leone who came to LA to make music. His favorite band was Steely Dan and he admitted he’d picked up a date or two while driving Uber.

By the time I got back to my apartment on the East Side, I felt like a middle schooler who just learned girls don’t actually have cooties. Because while nobody would call LA charming unironically, it is full of remarkable opportunities and surprises. Like finding a bar full of other Philly fans abroad 5 city blocks away from an entire street that’d been taken over by Argentine fans only hours before.

It’s a special thing to know the exact moment you fall in love. For me, it was when a man in a Culver City bar who looked like he came directly from South Philly central casting Facetimed his (presumably) father to show off the bar as if to say, “I may not be at home, but I’m not lonely out here. Oh, and fuck Dallas.” That’s when I knew: I love LA.

Without further ado, let’s get into it.

Birds Beat the Bears: 25-20 (13-1)

Speaking of cities, Chicagoans are built different.

At kickoff, Soldier Field temperatures clocked in at 18 degrees Fahrenheit. For anybody who hasn’t taken a science class in a while, that’s 14 degrees below freezing. Much credit to Bears fans who clearly came out hammered and ready to scream after long, cold morning shoveling brats into their mouths with the same veracity they’ll be shoveling snow this holiday season.

Unfortunately for Bears fans, that’s where the praise stops in this newsletter because the Eagles had a weird day.

After Hurts threw two interceptions in the first half, my only thought was were going to give up a game, “to the fucking Bears? The fucking 3-10 Bears?”

Like which football deity did we insult for that to happen? Was the God Overpriced Stadium Beers slighted by fans opting for hard seltzer in recent years? Was the God of Shit Talking frustrated that Philly fans could for once rest on the laurels of their record? Was the God of Refs bummed everybody wishes he’d just go away and surrender his power to the God of Instant Replay?

We may never know, but it's hard to explain that first.

Luckily, we won, so we don’t have to. Fluke games happen — although why they happen against 3-10 Bears is anyone’s guess — and in the end, I’m just thrilled nobody has to read another “Them’s the Breaks” section where I discuss losing.

And why don’t I have to write a section about losing? Because Jalen Hurts that’s why. Even with the interceptions, Hurts went on to throw 316 yards and run in 3 TDs. He led the charge on the best season start (13-1) in FRANCHISE HISTORY. Why this guy isn’t a shoo-in for the MVP already is beyond me. But have I some theories, read on to find out.

T.B.T. (The Big Take)

Is being a winning franchise a hard fan experience? I don’t mean to complain from the ivory tower, but when we were losing to a scrappy team that squeaked into playoffs and won some gross upsets, the general conversation about the team was “look out for those crazy Birds.”

Now, we’re certified awesome, and the conversation has warped into all the ways the Eagles are illegitimate. Like the team somehow bamboozled everybody into winning 13 games. There’s been this ongoing conversation suggesting the Iggles haven’t played anybody. But we’ve beaten the best teams in the NFC (save the 49ers) and the expected heir apparent in the Packers.

It’s not our fault all the teams closer in talent play in the AFC. Or that the AFC South took a heinous nosedive in quality. Did we have some light games? Of course. But we only lost one. The Cowboys lost to Doug Peterson and the Jaguars! Why was there ever Super Bowl hype there?

Yes, NFL favorites like the Chiefs played the Bengals, Bills, and Chargers (2x), but 4 of their games were also played against The Raiders (who seemed doomed to fail like the protagonist of a Greek parable) and Broncos.

The Broncos are so bad you can smell Denver from Los Angeles.

Plus, in football, anything can happen. The Ravens just lost to the Browns. The Browns.

Bill Belichick — the greatest NFL coach of all time (probably) — just oversaw the most embarrassing loss ever this past weekend. Why Bill keeps Matt Patricia at offensive coordinator is anyone’s guess. It’s not dementia, but maybe it’s quiet surrender, like when Alexander the Great turned the troops around after reaching India. More world to conquer, no will to do it. But I digress.

I didn’t mean to lash out in this week’s column, but on behalf of all of Philly: “Screw you guys, we’re 13-1. You’re not.”

Nothing in football is certain, except maybe this, the 2022 NFL is the Iggles’ to lose. If it does happen I’ll cover it clearly, honestly, and adjective-free (like a Hemingway parody). But until the fat lady sings in Philly this year — come and get it.

Defense and other things

All of the above said, now we have to talk about the elephant in the room: Number 1 is injured. News of the injury likely hit the Philly faithful like news of Lincoln’s death landed on the ears of poet Walt Whitman. But instead of inking “O Captain, My Captain,” I started to blog and ferociously searched to see if I could ship Yuengling to the West Coast.

Nick Sirianni says Jalen could potentially play this week, in a way only our lovable and seemingly always hungover head coach could: “He heals fast, he’s a freak.”

But if he doesn’t start during the primetime Christmas eve game against the Boys, then it’s Minshew mania baby. At the time of writing, Minshew is reportedly giving a eulogy at Mike Leach’s funeral (RIP to the Godfather of the Air Raid offense), which is a poignant example of Minshew’s place as a backup who’s inextricably linked to the very fabric of the current NFL. I’m excited to see him play on Saturday (and hoping Hurts doesn’t feel the need to thug it out.)

I predict we beat Dallas, Minshew or otherwise. ‘Nuff said.

NFC East Shuffle

• New York Giants (8-5)

  • I thought we’d lose to the Giants in a trap game. And we did not.

• Washington Commanders (7-6)

  • Sell the team Dan. Riverboat Ron pulled Christian Robinson from the game to spite fantasy fans.

• Dallas Cowboys (10-4)

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • You lost to the Jags you stooges.

  • Dak has the highest interception rating in the league. Bless up.

Hot takes and hotter questions

• Mac Jones can’t tackle.

• The infamous “butt-fumble” is no longer the funniest thing that’s happened in the NFL.

• The Bucs' game against the 49ers got flexed on prime time, mid-game.

• Jared Goff is one of three QBs to have multiple games with 4+ TDs this season. The other 2 you ask? Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes. Something’s going on in Detroit and it’s fun to watch.

• Dan Campell is the most honest coach in America. In an appearance on the Pat McAfee show, he admitted to missing a play decision because he got distracted by fans doing the wave at Fords Field. He’s a man-child but he’s Detroit's man-child damnit.

• The Bengals are looking like they may be headed for another Super Bowl Run. Joe Burrow remains the coolest guy in the NFL.

• THE CHARGERS ARE BACK. Herbert’s ribs have grown back. This team is 8-6. They have a real shot at the playoffs (thanks to a Patriots loss and a Dolphins loss).

• The Cardinals fired their Offensive Line Coach. Their GM is on a leave of some sort. And they’ve lost to the Broncos. Any week that ends with losing to the Broncos is not only a bad week, it’s also a week in which your team lost to a squad that openly hates their QB.

• That Raiders TD was so very out of bounds. It should’ve been overturned. But I think the refs felt mutually bad about dolling out yet another dumb loss to the Raider because it feels like kicking a puppy at this point. So the Raiders got to win in a freak one.

• Jakobi Meyers threw the world’s worst lateral pass to be intercepted for a loss.

• The NFC South is historically bad. There’s a huge chance a team with 7, SEVEN, wins makes it to the playoffs. Shit it may even be six.

• The 2nd half Bengals defense is the guy she tells you not to worry about.

• No Baker magic this week. But I still kind of think he’ll turn it all around next year.

Dog(s) of the Week

• Hurts

Wins and Losses

• Loss: In Week 1’s edition a took a cheap shot for a joke about Tua being overrated. Big mistake. Did the Ravens' secondary collapse in on itself like a black hole? Yes. But did Tua capitalize for a legendary 4th quarter comeback? Also yes.

• Loss: In Week 2’s edition, I suggested the Bills would brutalize every opposing team so badly that the Bills “should give out adult diapers” to their opponents. Welp, I was wrong. They lost to Tua’s Dolphins and barely squeaked by the Ravens

• Loss: In Week 5, I spent a lot of time praising Sirianni’s restraint in the face of “aggressive analytics.” Then in Week 6, he left points on the board by going for a pointless 2-point conversion. We won, so it’s not the end of the world. But come on guys, just get the points.

• Loss: I didn’t put it on paper, but in my heart of hearts I knew we were going to kill The Commanders. Obviously, I was wrong and we lost to those nerds.

Coming Up

See you on Christmas Eve. I’m going to blog during the game and post my reactions immediately following the game. Go jump in a lake Dallas.