Dog Mentality: A newsletter from a Birds fan abroad (or at least outside of Philadelphia)

Week 10, 11, & 12: A loss, an almost draw, and sending Rodgers packing

Note from the author: After our self-implosion against The Commander’s (on MNF no less), your dear correspondent wanted to withhold analysis to see if The Commander’s loss was the top of a flush spiral careening towards our season’s toilet bottom or just a fluke.

Luckily for nobody, The Eagles' next game was a defensive battle against Jeff Saturday’s mid-life crisis, I mean, Jeff Saturday’s The Colts. The Birds 1 point win didn’t restore a ton of confidence.

So I waited to write until after their showdown with The League’s resident football-black-belt weirdo Aaron Rodgers. The guy doesn’t even have a team owner to rein him in (gasp)! And thankfully we won that one too. It’s not over yet, so let’s figure out what is going on. Without further ado: Let’s get into it.

Birds Blow It Against Commanders: 21-32 (8-1)

The football gods really didn’t want us to win. There’s no other way to say it.

Yes, The Commanders played a good game (and have continued to play good games in the weeks since). Yes, Vegas had the Eagles at +11 to win before the game. And yes, Commanders fans, if you must know, Eagles fans fully expected to mop the floor with Taylor Heinicke and co before the game started.

Then all of Philadelphia learned how The Hare must’ve felt at the end of the famous fable about a race-winning Tortoise. And I will concede, it sucked to feel like The Hare. But as promised, there will be no caterwauling from your dear correspondent. Sometimes the good guys lose. Thems the breaks.

The Breaks

(In which your dear correspondent breaks down an entire game of nonsense).

• The Birds offered more turnovers to the Commanders in a single game (4) than they had to other teams from Weeks 1-8.

• One fumble was the result of an absolutely disgusting missed call by the refs. Goedert got pulled to the ground by the face mask. The hit looked like a move from a bar fight, not a tackle. Anybody with eyes could’ve caught just how illegal the hit was, but naturally, the ref closest to the hit was blinded in a freak-gasoline-fight accident before the game. Not really, but he should have to retake the driving test due to a lack of poor visibility. Or, novel idea, he could retire and make way for a ref with vision.

• The other turnovers were the result of solid defense really (not much we can do there, shit happens).

• The Commanders Rushed 49 Times for 152 total yards. (MORE ON THIS LATER)

• They won by monopolizing possession time (40:24 compared to the Eagles' 19:36)

• Finally, I couldn’t call myself a fan if I didn’t take some cheap shots at Taylor Heinicke for securing a game-winning first down by kneeling seconds after a snap in the shotgun formation.

• It was a good move on paper. But it’s also the dorkiest way a game has closed out in a long time.

• People in this country sit down on Monday nights after trudging through what author David Foster Wallace called, “the banal trenches of adult life,” and want to be entertained. Nobody wants to watch some XFL backup take a tactical knee.

• That said, the XFL backup beat the Big Bad Birds, and they promptly rubbed it in our faces by playing Philly’s unofficial mascot Meek Mill in the Locker Room after the game.

The Birds Beat The Colts: 17-16 (9-1)

To be completely honest with everyone, I turned this game off before the Half. We were down 10. We lost a momentum-building drive to three ridiculous, bureaucratic, and irrelevant penalties (INELIGIBLE RECIEVER DOWNFIELD! Who gives a shit.) And the guys calling Sunday’s game kept verbally polishing Jeff Saturday’s knob.

So I turned it off. In the end, we came back from a 10-point deficit in the 4th to win. For the record that hasn’t happened since DeSean Jackson’s walk-off punt return during the 2010’s “Miracle at the Meadowlands” against Giants. Bummed I missed the comeback, happy we won. Sometimes a team has to win profusely ugly games.

Also, this game was a personal revenge game for Head Coach Nick Sirianni. Frank Reich was his mentor and friend. Sirianni looked like Michael after Vito got hit in “The Godfather: Part 1” when he arrived in Indianapolis. Only instead of Salatzo and Barzini, Sirianni had to move against Jeff Saturday.

Comparisons to a mob movie (aka the greatest piece of popular entertainment ever created) and beef between Sirianni and Saturday may feel over the top. But they’re not. Listen to the respect in this man’s voice when Sirianni was asked by Reich after the game.

That win was for Sirianni’s Godfather.

The Birds Beat The Packers: 40-33

The Eagles win a rollercoaster on SNF. It was fun to watch, if not really, really stressful.

Get a load of these rushing numbers:

• Eagles Total Rushing Yards: 363

• Hurts Total Rushing Yards: 157

  • (That’s the new franchise record for most QB rushing yards in a single game, BTW)

• Miles Sanders Total Rushing Yards: 143

When describing the game (and offering a solid take on why the Eagles were able to literally run all over the Packers) sports analyst and millionaire former blog writer Bill Simmons quipped: “It’s like the guys defending Hurts didn’t watch a single piece of tape.” The Packers' defense (aside from a stripped ball) was literally nowhere to be found.

This was almost okay for The Packers because The Eagles' defense and special teams had some wonky plays as well. We did give up 33 points after all.

Our banged-up defense (no Maddox, no CJ, and no Jordan Davis) did just OK. Our replacement for CJ at safety, Blankenship, did intercept Rodgers. One Twitter user pointed out that getting intercepted by a white safety means it’s probably time to retire.

However, Blankenship also blew coverage on a pass from Love to Watson that brought the Packers back into the game. And who needs the aggravation?

All in all, the game was more stressful than it should’ve been. But a win’s a win.

T.B.T. (The Big Take)

Our defense is running the risk of becoming its own Greek tragedy.

Pro football players get injured, it’s par for the course. Unfortunately, defensive coordinators don’t always seem to have a strategy put together when chess pieces start falling off the board.

In the past 4 games, it may feel like our run defense is non-existent. Here’s why.

Jordan Davis (who’s been on IR since Week 8 with a high ankle sprain) is apparently the lynchpin of the Eagles' strategy to stop the run and it’s not just because he looks like Godzilla in Kelly Green.

Essentially, the Eagles put five men on the line. SI reported Defensive Coordinator Stephen Gannon believes the Birds should put more emphasis on restricting a team’s passing game than its run game. When it works, it pays out well. Our defense is responsible for 15 interceptions on the season. We also have the highest Turnover Differential in the league with +13.

In plain English, we force turnovers on opposing teams a lot more than they’re forced on us.

Essentially, the Birds defensive strategy posits that ranking Number 2 in total defense is more valuable than only being number 18 in rushing defense.

And until Davis’ injury, it was a sound strategy. But without Davis’ 6 foot 6, 340-pound frame in the lineup drawing double man pressure from opposing o-lines (via The Philadelphia Inquirer), the Birds five man d-line isn’t as effective.

Unfortunately for us, enemy coaches who’d seen enough tape of the Birds realized the only way to beat us is to keep Hurts and company off the field. Which means run-heavy offenses.

This odd cocktail of a semi-broken rush defensive strategy meeting teams hellbent on (literally) running Hurts, Brown, Smith, and Sanders off the field is why The Birds keep winning by the skin of their teeth (or losing to The Commanders). Plus, with vital members of their secondary down for the count, The Birds are running the risk of ending up like the couple from the chain and the comb fable.

A man sells his prize watch to buy his wife a silver comb. At the same time, the wife sells her long beautiful hair to a wig shop to buy her husband an ornate watch chain. What did the couple learn?

Probably that it might’ve been a bad idea to build a disruptive secondary that was entirely held up by Davis’ mighty frame.

Supposedly Davis may be back as early as this Sunday. Lord knows, we need him: we’re facing the Derrick Henrys (I mean the Titans).

Defense and other things

Jalen Hurts is legit. He proves it week in and week out. Although with his growing MVP buzz, I would offer: I don’t know if his rushing and passing numbers would be as high without the Eagles' ridiculous offensive line.

AJ Brown played in the Packers game after apparently dealing with violent food poisoning all day. DOG.

No Goedert means more looks for Smith and so far Smith’s been playing tough.

The Eagles released a Christmas album. If that doesn’t scream the locker room is lined up as one, I don’t know what does. Also, I think Jason Kelce is everybody's favorite uncle. Unless you're a nose guard.

NFC East Shuffle

• New York Giants (7-4)

  • We play these dudes twice. Ideally, our last meeting (the last game of the season, doesn’t mean anything).

• Washington Commanders (7-5)

  • Playoff contenders?! A lot of things that’ve happened this year were NOT on my 2022 bingo card. Commanders in the playoff hunt definitely falls into the no way that will happen category.

• Dallas Cowboys (8-3)

  • Their run defense is legit. They held NYG’s Saquon to 39 yards. I really, really hate these guys.

Hot takes and hotter questions

• Rodgers publicly said he’s alright if Love plays out the season since the Packers are no longer in playoff contention. Cool, I guess.

• The Ravens will likely make it to the playoffs, however, if the bigwigs in Baltimore deny Jackson’s contract request, they’ll cite the loss to Doug Pederson’s Jaguars as the reason.

• The Bengals can win without Chase and Mixon (insane).

• I wish I could’ve seen Jets fans transition from “Who the fuck is Mike White” to “Holy shit we’re winning!”

• I can’t believe the Chargers are on the bubble for a playoff spot. I figured they’d waltz right into a wild card spot at the start of the season.

• To borrow from sci-fi/horror author H.P. Lovecraft: “The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on Raiders fans.”

• The AFC South could maybe lose to a high school football team.

• Will anyone score on the 49ers again?

• I have nightmares about losing to the 49ers 7-11 in the playoffs.

• The Bucs are BAD and their coach is the problem.

• That said, N’Joku’s one-handed catch was the coolest thing on my TV in a week when I was writing about Wesley Snipes’ “Blade” movies. The catch was cooler than a Kung fu-fighting vampire hunter. This is the highest praise I can offer anything on the coolness scale.

• Finally, I don’t like the ineligible receiver downfield call. Not just because it has negatively impacted my team this season (although that's part of it), but because it’s being over-officiated.

  • Per Jimmy Kempski (Eagles writer at the Philly Voice) in 2017, when the rule was introduced, it was called 14 times. In 2021, it was called 46 times. This season, it’s on pace to be called 103 times.

  • Mark my words, it’ll ruin a big game. An NFC or AFC championship will somehow wind up being decided by this arbitrary and dumb rule.

Dog(s) of the Week

• Hurts

• Sanders

Wins and Losses

• Loss: In Week 1’s edition a took a cheap shot for a joke about Tua being overrated. Big mistake. Did the Ravens secondary collapse in on itself like a black hole? Yes. But did Tua capitalize for a legendary 4th quarter comeback? Also yes.

• Loss: In Week 2’s edition, I suggested the Bills would brutalize every opposing team so badly that the Bills “should give out adult diapers” to their opponents. Welp, I was wrong. They lost to Tua’s Dolphins and barely squeaked by the Ravens

• Loss: In Week 5, I spent a lot of time praising Sirianni’s restraint in the face of “aggressive analytics.” Then in Week 6, he left points on the board by going for a pointless 2-point conversion. We won, so it’s not the end of the world. But come on guys, just get the points.

• Loss: I didn’t put it on paper, but in my heart of hearts I knew we were going to kill The Commanders. Obviously, I was wrong and we lost to those nerds.

Coming Up

The Birds battle the run game. I mean the Nobody’s-good-but-Derrick-Henrys. I mean the Titans.