Dog Mentality: A newsletter from a Birds fan abroad (or at least outside of Philadelphia)

Week 5: “Eagles vs Cardinals”

On July 7, 2022, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned from his position. During his speech, Johnson said, “I want you all to know how sad I am for giving up the best job in the world, but them’s the breaks.” It's characteristically blunt, clumsy, and somehow kind of endearing. Especially considering the US’s recent run of leadership who refuses to go quietly. But after a controversial time at the helm of our cousin nation across the pond and a scandal on his way out the door, Boris offered what may be one of the best takes on losing I’ve heard in a long time: “Them’s the breaks.”

I know what you’re thinking dear reader, what the fuck does Parliament have to do with the Iggles?

Ahead of Week 5, your dear correspondent thought a lot about losing. After 4 straight wins and 4 straight glowing post-game posts, it cropped up in the back of my mind that 5-0 is a hard feat to pull off, and sooner or later I was going to have to write an unfortunate post about The Birds. Made especially more difficult by the theme of last week’s post being: “Time to beat the drums, we’re a hard nose ball club.”

So in the spirit of ole Boris’ final words as the head of the UK, from here on out poor showings will not be met with standard pundit caterwauling, but simply an analysis of what went wrong and recognition that sometimes: them’s the breaks. Luckily for fans everywhere, that tradition doesn’t have to start this week.

Birds Beat the Cardinals: 20-17 (5-0)

Everybody’s talking about the Birds. Bird, bird, bird. The Birds are the word.

References to the Trashmen’s earworm “Surfin’ Bird” aside — the Eagles' hype train grows louder all the time. So ahead of last week’s game, the Eagles-Cardinals matchup got made out to be some kind of crucible. Suddenly all the guys paid to do what yours truly humbly offers for free decided the Iggles hadn’t played one single legit ball club and would need to prove themselves against Kyler Murray in the hottest place in America: Mordor. I mean, Glendale, Arizona. Naturally, after we won, the talking heads decided the Cardinals weren’t a high-caliber team either.

Watching the game felt like the first summer I was tall enough to ride the big coaster at Castaway Cove on the Ocean City boardwalk. I knew I could do it like I knew the Birds could win. But every twist in the game convinced me the whole thing could fly off the rails at any moment and leave our awesome season in a heap of burning mangled metal. By the end, I had to double-check my shorts remained unspoiled (they did).

So even though your dear correspondent didn’t make a gritty play in his pants, the Eagles played gritty to win the game.

The Cardinals' secondary stopped AJ Brown from cooking after the 1st quarter. On the first drive of the game, Brown had 3 catches for 32 yards. He didn’t see the ball again for the rest of the game. The Cardinals clearly schemed to cover him accordingly. However, folks quick to join the “Hurts-is-no-good-why-couldn’t-he-find-Brown” chorus again, need to, to borrow from Shakespeare, “shutteth the hell upeth.”

Because Hurts adjusted too. He switched to screen passes once the deep ball game got locked down and it worked. He went 12/13 on screens for 70 total yards. Ugly? Absolutely. But sometimes you’ve got to win ugly. Are fans so desperate for self-loathing that they’d rather we lose pretty? To quote Mr. French from “The Departed,” if that’s the case those fans “really should see somebody.”

Finally, in this league, there’s no substitution for the uncaring fate dealt out by the football gods. The second I heard Kyler Murray entered the stadium in a full green suit to play against The Eagles, I knew we would win. And not only did we win, but the Cardinals also self-destructed by whiffing a kick. After the fact, we all discovered the Cardinals kicker has been on 3 teams in 5 weeks of football. Now we know why. Them’s the breaks, Arizona.

T.B.T. (The Big Take)

It’s Sirianni’s world and we’re all just running his (winning) play calls in it.

This past weekend fans across the league watched in abject horror as coach after coach forgot winning a football game requires a team to score points. I don’t know if it’s new access to stats, an ever-growing desire to play like Sean McVay in hopes of also being an LA football coach one day, or some kind of nu-football, but whatever it is, it ain’t working.

Hackett decided the Broncos shouldn’t run for a first down on 4th and 1. His plan? Let Wilson throw into traffic. Surprise, no conversion. Broncos lose.

When the Bengals marched down the field against the Ravens, coach Zac Taylor decided instead of a QB sneak, he was going to show the other coaches that he wore big boy pants. He dialed up three insane plays involving lots of backfield shovel passing and what can only be described as losing yards. The Bengals went on to lose a game they had in the bag.

Finally, Raider’s coach Josh McDaniels decided “to be aggressive” and go for two (AGAINST THE CHIEFS) instead of taking the field goal to tie the game. Raider fans everywhere immediately wished for death and McDaniels listed his Las Vegas house on Zillow following (their basically inevitable) loss.

But do you know which coach understands football games fundamentally revolve around scoring on the other guys come hell or high water? Nick Sirianni, that’s who. Currently, Sirianni knows what apparently a lot of other younger coaches don’t: if it ain’t broke, don’t call a dumb wildcat play where the running back throws a screen pass to a wideout who then tries to find the QB in the endzone for no reason.

When it’s 4th and 1, or 1st goal at the 4-yard line, Sirianni’s calling plays that move the ball. No flash, no BS, just a meat-and-potatoes QB sneak. Currently, Hurts has taken 39 attempts at 1-yard-to-go scenarios. He’s converted 32/39 and scored 9 touchdowns.

Sirianni play calls like he wants to win, not net a job in a city where models live. And for that, we salute you.

Defense and other things

The defense fought a hard game. They iced the Cardinals from scoring in the first half and clearly, they shut down the Cardinals when it counted. Plus, when you consider the offensive statistics from the game, it’s clear the Cardinals weren’t going to make it easy for the Birds.

• Philly: 357 total yards

• AZ: 363 total yards

• Philly: 24 1st downs

• AZ: 23 1st downs

• Philly: 0 turnovers

• AZ: 1 turnover

I am admittedly confused by our lack of scoring in the second half. But after seeing the similarities in offensive performance from both teams, it appears the Birds found themselves in a close game. It came down to kickers. And when your team is sporting a backup kicker whose name also happens to be “Dicker,” the safe money rests on the guy who’s likely taken a lifetime of shit for being named after the male sex organ.

Dicker lined up for field goals with all the fury of a man who cried a lot in middle school. I wonder if he pictured a face on the ball when he sent it through the uprights. “Who’s the dickerhead now, Rick Samuelson? I just saved the Birds' perfect season.” The guy even won the NFC’s Special Team Player of the Week Award. He’ll never pay for a Yuengling ever again.

NFC East Shuffle

• New York Giants (4-1)

  • The Giants went abroad and beat The Packers

  • the Packers?

  • THE FREAKING PACKERS?!

  • Leave it to the NFC East to get competitive the minute the Birds start playing like heroes

• Washington Commanders (1-4)

  • Riverboat Ron seems fed up. I’d be too if Wentz was my QB.

  • At a time when seemingly everybody has a bone to pick with something about the US government, it makes sense that the city’s football team is playing like the bozos in charge.

• Dallas Cowboys (4-1)

  • The Boys' D-line is performing like the ‘85 Bears

  • I hate the Cowboys

  • *any more analysis would inevitably tip the juju in their favor ahead of this week’s matchup against The Birds. Superstitious man that I am, I will say no more.

Hot takes and hotter questions

• I think Andy Reid killed a ref this week.

• Brady is the only quarterback ever who can take a clean sack for a gain of 15 yards.

• The NFL needs to figure out what constitutes roughing the passer and fast. Or they need to review every sack like they do touchdowns. Pass-rushers shouldn’t be punished for doing their jobs, that’s basically communism in some countries.

• The Phillies are playing dangerously in the MLB. Go Phils baby!

• The Bengals lost a close one to the Ravens because of ridiculous coaching calls. However, given the level of play the Bengals were previously achieving, should it have even been close? The Ravens are good, yes. But I think the cracks in their offensive scheme — informally titled “Lamar Jackson does everybody’s job all the time” — are starting to show.

• The Pats' backup QB is legit. Did he only beat the Lions? Sure, but it was 29-0.

• Chargers take the Browns from behind. And in case anyone forgot, Deshaun Watson remains a sex criminal.

• Taysom Hill — aka the Green Beret of football — single-handedly beat the Seahawks for the Saints this past weekend.

• There’s a special circle in hell where the damned are forced to spend eternity watching Thursday Night Games from the 2022-23 season.

• Broncos Country wants its money back.

• Is Baker’s time at an end?

• The Bills showed up in Pittsburgh like the guy who hits puberty first shows up to PE.

Dog(s) of the Week

• Cameron “The Kicker” Dicker.

• Jason Kelce. He missed 3 snaps after limping off the field. He returned and allowed 0 pressures on 37 pass-blocking sacks.

Wins and Losses

• Loss: In Week 1’s edition a took a cheap shot for a joke about Tua being overrated. Big mistake. Did the Ravens' secondary collapse in on itself like a black hole? Yes. But did Tua capitalize for a legendary 4th quarter comeback? Also yes.

• Loss: In Week 2’s edition, I suggested the Bills would brutalize every opposing team so badly that the Bills “should give out adult diapers” to their opponents. Welp, I was wrong. They lost to Tua’s Dolphins and barely squeaked by the Ravens

Coming Up

The Eagles face down the Cowboys for all the marbles. In confessional booths across Philadelphia, fans are admitting to harboring violent thoughts toward their fellow man. Philly being a sports town, however, the Fathers are likely letting it slide — on account of its Dallas.